ACCIDENTS:
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
ADVICE:
Never jump in a pile of leaves with a wet sucker. --Charlie Brown
Don't eat yellow snow.
Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. If you're not in one, you're in the other. --Gloria Hunniford, British talk show host
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never try to cross a chasm in two leaps.
Never read the fine print. There's no way you're gonna like it. --Maxine
If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
Don't squat with your spurs on.
AGE: 
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.
The nice thing about living to 100 is that there's little peer pressure.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. --Maxine
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
I've reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap.
Being over the hill is much better than being under it. --Maxine
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
I have a photographic memory. I just don't have same-day service.
--quoted by Diane Sawyer
Everything slows down with age except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips. --Maxine
When she saw her first gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
I asked my wife if old men wore boxers or briefs. She said Depends.
The only trouble with retirement...you never get a dang day off.
Goodbye tension! Hello pension!
That snap-crackle-pop in the morning ain't my freaking Rice Krispies.
You know you're getting old when you throw a wild party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Senior Campbell's - New Large Type Alphabet Soup
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and bran?
Retirement: Twice as much husband, half as much money.
I've entered the snapdragon part of my life: Part of me has snapped, and part of me is draggin'.
You know you're getting old when you throw a wild party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they'd lay them down and forget where they put them.
I'm approaching age 40, but I'm not going to say from what direction.
I'd consider hormone replacement therapy, but I've got a bunch of other things that need to be replaced first. --Maxine
Any day on this side of the flower bed is a good day. --Maxine
My secret to keeping my figure is getting everything to droop at the same rate. --Maxine
AIRLINES:
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. --Mark Russell
ANSWERS:
It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
ANGER:
Do you ever notice that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place? --Maxine
ARGUMENT:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.
BATHROOM:
The length of a minute depends on what side of the door you're on.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
BEAUTY:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. --Dorothy Parker
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder. --Maxine
I get my summer glow from a bottle. It says "Zinfandel." --Maxine
BIBLE:
"Hello? Front desk? Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here."
BLONDE:
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not
dumb...and I'm also not blonde. --Dolly Parton
Why was the blonde so happy that she'd finished the jigsaw puzzle in a month? Because it said "4-6 years."
BOOKS:
Everything Men Know about Women by Cindy and Alan Garner is 120 blank pages.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. --Mark Twain
The definition of a rare book is one that comes back after you loan it. --A. Braithwaite
The world's thinnest book: What I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
BOOZE:
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I was out last night with some people who couldn't hold their liquor. They kept stepping on my fingers. --Frank Sinatra
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
The closest I got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
--Andy Rooney
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. --George Carlin
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk said, "O.K., let's get started."
I always keep a supply of stimulants on hand in case I see a snake, which I also keep on hand. --W.C. Fields
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
--W.C. Fields
BUDGET:
A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.
BUDDHIST:
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
BUTTER:
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
--Steve Wright
CALM:
If you can keep your head while all around you people are losing theirs, it's possible you haven't grasped the situation.
CAR:
My mechanic said, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
--Steve Wright
Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! --George Carlin
CELL PHONE:
I can't use my cell phone in my car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures. --Maxine
CHEESE:
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
CHICAGO:
How Chicago got started: A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's move west."
CHICKENS:
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
CHILDREN:
You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children. Now I have six children and no theories. --Jon Wilmot, 1647-1680
I was so naive as a child, I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
--Johnny Carson
CHORES:
I find it helps to organize chores into categories: things I won't do now, things I won't do later, things I'll NEVER DO! --Maxine
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head so hard on the top bunk that I faint. --Erma Bombeck
A layer of dust protects the wood beneath.
A house isn't a home until you can write "I love you" on the furniture.
CHRISTMAS:
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
CLASS REUNION:
Nothing ruins a class reunion like someone who has managed to stay young-looking and get rich at the same time.
COMPUTERS:
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration. --Maxine
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
CONCLUSION:
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. --Steve Wright
CONSCIENCE:
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good. --Steve Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. --Steve Wright
The New England conscience doesn't stop you from doing what you shouldn't. It just keeps you from enjoying it. --Cleveland Amory
CONSCIOUSNESS:
Consciousness is that annoying time between naps. --Maxine
CONSTRUCTION:
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
COPING SKILLS:
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
CREDIT CARDS:
Credit cards involve spending money you don't have to buy things you can't afford to impress people you don't know.
CRIME:
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. --Michael D. Hertz
A hole has been found in the nudist colony wall. The police are looking into it.
CRITICISM:
Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in his shoes. Therefore, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
CUTTING EDGE:
It hurts to be on the cutting edge. --bumper sticker
DEATH:
I've never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
--Clarence Darrow
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who went peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
DEFINITION:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
Flabrication: The weight on your driver's license.
Regeorgitation: When the vending machine spits back your dollar bill.
DESSERTS:
Desserts is "stressed" spelled backwards.
DIET:
Inside me is a thin person trying to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
The only way I'll drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England. --Maxine
DIVORCE:
There are two sides to every divorce - yours and [poop]head's. --Andy Rooney
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. --Maxine
Even doctors make mistakes. Mine asked me to undress. --Maxine
DOG:
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. --Groucho Marx
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My god, you're right! I never would have thought of that." --Dave Barry
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
DRIVING:
God may be my co-pilot, but the devil's my bombadier. --bumper sticker
Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road. --Maxine
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the porch.
DREAMS:
Follow your dreams. Except that one where you're naked in church.
DROUGHT:
It was so dry the trees were bribin' the dogs. --George W. Bush
ECOLOGY:
To save on packaging, buy M&Ms in five-pound bags.
EGOTISTS:
Once nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
ELECTIONS:
They hold elections in November because it's the best time for picking out a turkey.
EXERCISE:
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
I would enjoy jogging if it weren't for those long walks back.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise because it makes my coffee spill. -- Maxine
EXPENSES:
It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.
EXPERIENCE:
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. --Will Rogers
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
FAT:
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells last forever.
I'm not overweight; I'm undertall.
FASHION:
Fashion is the rush to conform before everybody else does. --Alan Watts
FEARS:
All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words, "Some assembly required." --Dave Barry
FLASHLIGHT:
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
FLYING:
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? --Andy Rooney
Pilot's motto: Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to your number of take-offs.
FINANCES:
If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
--Earl Wilson
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Because that's where the money is.
--famous robber Willie Sutton when asked why he robbed banks
When someone asks the name of my bank, I say "Piggy."
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Thanks to the Internet, you can get hopelessly in debit without leaving your house.
--Maxine
Definition of liquidity: Looking at your investments and wetting your pants.
FIRST:
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
FOOD:
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A balanced diet is a cookie in both hands.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Can you imagine how hungry the first person to eat a lobster must have been?
--Rick Blaine
FOOL:
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. --Mark Twain
FORGIVE:
To err is human. To forgive - highly unlikely. --Maxine
FRUSTRATION:
Frustration is having no one to blame but yourself.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
FUN:
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
Put decaf in the office coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "For smuggling diamonds."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordances with the prophecy."
With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.
Specify that your drive-through order is to-go.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot screaming, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
FUTURE:
Some day we'll look back on all this and crash into a parked car.
The future just ain't what it used to be. --W.C. Fields
GARDENING:
I fought the lawn and the lawn won. --t-shirt
When weeding, the best way to make sure you're removing a weed and not a valuable plant: if it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
The best way to get a green thumb is with brown knees.
GENE POOL:
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. --Maxine
GENERALITIES:
All generalities are false, including this one. --Gerald F. O'Neal
GIFTS:
Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say, "I've got lots more time than money."
GOLDEN RULE:
Those that have the gold make the rules.
GOOD FRIDAY:
I wonder why they call it Good Friday. It wasn't good for Jesus.
GOSSIP:
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
--Alice Rosevelt Longworth
GOVERNMENT:
The wages of sin is death, but after the government takes its part, all that's left is tired.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
GUILT:
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
GULLIBLE:
They told me that I was gullible...and I believed them.
HEALTH:
Acupuncture: A jab well done.
I was planning to get a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink. --Maxine
HEART:
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
HOMEWORK:
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: "I couldn't find anyone to copy it from."
HOUSE:
It's time to do some stuff around the house. Sit around it...walk around it...lie around it....
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
HOUSEBROKE:
Housebroke can refer to people as well as pets. --Tom Mullen
HOUSEKEEPING:
I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Everytime I leave a man, I keep his house.
A house isn't a home until you can write "I love you" on the furniture.
A layer of dust on the furniture protects the wood beneath.
There should be support groups for women who can't put their dishes in the dishwasher dirty. --Maxine
HYPOCRITE:
Someone who complains about the sex and violence on his DVD player.
IDEALISM:
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem.
IDIOT:
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. --Maxine
IMMIGRATION:
The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration.
IMMORTALITY:
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. --Woody Allen
INDECISION:
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
INSANITY:
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy it.
I try not to limit my madness to March. --Maxine
INSULTS:
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
His mother should have thrown him back and kept the stork. --Mae West
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. --Billy Wilder
Big hat, no cattle. --George W. Bush
It's the kind of book once you put it down, you can't pick it up again.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable - like a coma. --Maxine
Well, aren't you just the most adorable black hole of need. --Maxine
Don't make me use UPPERCASE. --Maxine
If you have something to say, raise your hand (and place it over your mouth).
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately. --Maxine
Would you like some cheese to go with that whine? --Maxine
Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to let out on its own. --Maxine
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? --Maxine
I'd like to give you a going-away present. First, do your part. --Maxine
You really are as pretty as a picture. I'd like to hang you. --Maxine
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road. --Maxine
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. --Groucho Marx
Celebrate Ben Franklin's birthday. Go fly a kite. --Maxine
IRISH:
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture. --Ann Curry
I'm so Irish my liver hurts.
INTERNET:
Teach a person to fish and you feed them for a day. Teach them to use the Internet and they won't bother you for a week.
KIDS:
Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for s_x. --Bill Maher
KINDNESS:
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
KING ARTHUR:
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
LAUGHTER:
He who laughs last didn't get it.
LAWS:
Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
--Otto von Bismarck, First Chancellor of German, 1815-1898
LAWYERS:
The other day, it was so cold in Chicago, a lawyer was actually spotted with his hands in his own pockets. --Jeffrey W. Steinberger
The Post Office cancelled its commemorative stamp honoring lawyers. People were confused - they didn't know which side to spit on. --Marc Galanter
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. --Steve Wright
LAZY:
If I were any lazier, I'd slip into a coma. --Garfield
Oh, the joy of doing nothing all day and resting afterwards. -- Spanish proverb
LIFE:
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. --Maxine
Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield.
Some days you're the dog. Some days you're the fire hydrant.
Some days are a total waste of make-up.
LIVING IN SIN:
They ate supper before they said grace. --George W. Bush
LOOKS:
I have the body of a god, but unfortunately it's Buddha.
Did you ever get the feeling that the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes?
--George Gobel
LOSERS:
There are no losers - just the winning impaired.
LOST:
The easiest way of finding something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
LOVE:
Love is temporary insanity, curable by marriage. --Ambrose Bierce
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. --Matt Groening
You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years, and if my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. --Vaudeville
LUCK:
If everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't work for the rabbit.
--R.E. Shay
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
MARRIAGE:
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
--Andy Rooney
Men don't always see a need to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. Women are starting to agree: Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage? --Andy Rooney
The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman
A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
Out of pride, a man called his wife "Mother of Six." Finally she took to calling him "Father of Four."
Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. --Rod Stewart.
When a woman marries, she thinks her husband will change. When a man marries, he thinks his wife will never change. Both are wrong.
You don't have to marry for money. Just hang around with the rich and marry for love. --Barbara Walters
A woman, standing in front of her bedroom mirror: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." Her husband: "Your eyesight is darn near perfect." (He never heard the shot.)
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
At a party, one woman to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A woman inserted an ad in the classified: "Husband wanted." The next day she received a hundred letters all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A boy asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel." Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. --Brian Kiley
Marriage is like a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle - all sky. --Cathy Ladman
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? --Barbra Streisand
Make love, not war. Heck, do both! Get married!
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to! --Henny Youngman
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
--Patrick Murray
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Marriage can be fun some of the time. Trouble is, you're married ALL of the time. --Maxine
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. --Hubert Humphrey
MEN:
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the folder "Instruction Manuals."
Grow your own dope. Plant a man. --bumper sticker
So many men, so little aspirin.
If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of them?
Why do men think they don't need directions when they can't even find their clean socks?
Men: They sweep you off your feet and then they try to hand you a broom!
They say it's a man's world. So that's what's wrong with it!
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Sign on a mirror in a men's restroom: "No wonder you always go home alone."
Sign over a urinal in a men's restroom: "Express lane - 5 beers or less."
Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
How are men and savings bonds different? Savings bonds mature.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Man: "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always."
The evolution of man: tadpole, frog, Prince Charming, royal pain
God made man before woman in order to give him time to think up an answer to her first question.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man in a genius. --Maxine
When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder way? Because she smells like a new truck.
If a man ever opens the car door for his wife, he's either got a new car or a new wife.
--quoted by Joel Osteen
The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car: he was bald, unbalanced, and full of hot air. -- Maxine
MATH:
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The largest knight at the Roundtable was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
MEMORY:
I have a photographic memory. I just don't have same-day service. --Diane Sawyer
MENOPAUSE:
The seven dwarves of menopause: Itchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful, and Psycho
MISTAKES:
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
MONEY:
I'd file for bankruptcy but I can't afford the fee.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. --Will Rogers
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A lot of money is tainted: It taint yours and it taint mine.
A fool and his money are soon invited places.
I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
Money's not everything. Health is 2%. --Joan Rivers
It's better to be nouveau riche than to never be riche at all. --Joan Rivers
It's not a sin to be rich - it's a miracle.
Money can't buy happiness. The person with $50 million is no happier than the person with $40 million.
All that I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
People can be divided into three classes -- the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves. --Earl Wilson, columnist
Money isn't everything. There's also Visa and Mastercard. -- Andy Dooley
MORNING:
All the coffee in Colombia won't make me a morning person.
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A man bought his mother-in-law a new chair but she refused to plug it in.
MOTORCYCLES:
How can you tell a happy motorcyclist? He's the one with the bugs in his teeth.
--Joan Lunden
On the back of a motorcyclist's t-shirt: "If you can read this, my wife fell off."
MOUSE:
The second mouse gets the cheese.
MOVIES:
Ruining the book since 1920.
MURPHY'S LAW:
The easiest way to find a lost article is to buy a replacement.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
NAGGING:
I'm not nagging. I'm just being verbally repetitive.
NEW ENGLAND:
The New England conscience doesn't stop you from doing what you shouldn't. It just keeps you from enjoying it. --Cleveland Amory
NOAH:
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
--Helen Castle
NOBODY:
I'm nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. --Andy Rooney
NOSTALGIA:
A device that removes the potholes from Memory Lane.
OFFICE:
A clean desk is a sign of a messy desk drawer.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
OTHERS:
You shouldn't compare yourself to others. They're more screwed up than you think.
PAST:
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you. --Satchel Paige
PEACE PRIZE:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. -- Steve Wright
PERFUME:
Nice perfume but must you marinate in it?
PESSIMISM:
Big surprise: Even my blood type's negative! --Maxine
PILLOWS:
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
PILOT:
Pilot's Motto: Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to your number of take-offs.
PMS:
PMS is the only time of month I can be myself. --Roseanne Barr
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--unknown, presumably deceased
POLLS:
The most remarkable thing about pollsters is how they find so many people with no opinion. --Doug Larson
POSITIVE:
As you travel through life, whatever your goal, keep your eye on the doughnut and not on the hole. --Kris P. Kreme
PREJUDICE:
I'm free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
PROCRASTINATION:
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
--Mark Twain
Procrastinate now! --Maxine
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
PROVERB:
The things that come to those who wait were left behind by those who got there first.
PSYCHICS:
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. --Kurt Vonnegut
PUNCTUALITY:
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
PURPOSE:
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a bad example to others.
READ:
Always read stuff that will make you look good in case you die in the middle of it.
REASONS:
A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and the real one. --J. Pierpont Morgan
REDNECKS:
You may be a redneck if your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You may be a redneck if your family tree does not fork. --Jeff Foxworthy
You may be a redneck if your last Thanksgiving dinner was ruined when you ran out of ketchup. --Jeff Foxworthy
A redneck passed away and left his entire fortune to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it until she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying at a redneck hotel?When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age for rednecks to 32? It seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons it's difficult to solve a redneck murder: The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.
Who invented the toothbrush? A redneck. If it had been invented by anyone else, it would be called a teethbrush.
Did you hear about the $3 million redneck lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
A new redneck law has been passed: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
REINCARNATION:
Reincarnation is making a comeback. --bumper sticker
RELATIONSHIPS:
Relationships are hard. It's like a fulltime job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave, they should try to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger
RELIGION
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. --George Carlin
REMARRIAGE:
Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience. --Alexander Pope
ROMANCE:
It's erotic if it's with a feather; it's kinky if it's with the whole chicken. -- Hemal, Facebook
Some men have been stood up more times than a bowling pin.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
RUMOR:
I refuse to further this rumor any further than this room.
SACRED COWS:
Sacred cows make divine hamburgers. -- bumper sticker
SAN FRANCISCO:
I went to San Francisco. I found somebody's heart. Now what?
SARCASM:
Getting an edge in word-wise.
SAY WHAT?
I'm very good in bed. I can sleep for days.
SEASONS:
There are really only two seasons: allergy and flu. --Maxine
SENILE:
The nice thing about becoming senile is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.
SERMON:
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns SHOPPING:
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
SHOES:
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at the bowling alley.
SIGN:
On a plastic surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
On a septic tank truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a tire shop: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
At a podiatrisit's office: "Time wounds all heels."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
In a men's restroom: "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap."
Over the mirror in a women's restroom: "You're too good for him."
Held by a homeless panhandler: "Hell why lie I need a beer."
At a Chinese restaurant: "No! We no see cat of yours. No more ask please."
In a vet's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
"Wet paint. This is a warning, not an instruction."
Outside a tow and scrap yard: "We meet by accident."
On the door of a microbiology lab: "Staph only."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In a church foyer: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor."
At a farm: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
On a First Baptist Church sign: "Staying in bed screaming 'Oh God!' doesn't constitute going to church."
SILENCE:
Never miss a good chance to shut up. --Will Rogers
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
SINGING:
Swans sing before they die - t'were no bad thing -
should certain people die before they sing.
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge
SIXTIES:
If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.
SISTERS:
God made us sisters. Prozac made us friends. --t-shirt
SMILE:
Smile first thing in the morning and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields
SPEECH:
The secrets of a good speech: Be sincere. Be brief. Be seated. -- FDR
Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake. They need you in order to have the party but no one expects you to say much. --Anthony Lake
SPELLING:
It's a poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.
--President Andrew Jackson
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
SPIDERS:
Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
SPIRITUALITY:
Meditation: Giving yourself the silent treatment. --Karen Williams
Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up. --Maxine
SPORTS:
A coach once asked a player, "Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or is it apathy?" The kid replied, "I don't know and I don't care."
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. --Maxine
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
STATUE OF LIBERTY:
Why is the Statue of Liberty surrounded by water? She had her hand up but the teacher didn't call on her in time.
STATISTICS:
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
STRESS:
Most stress is caused by three things: (1) money, (2) family, and (3) family with no money.
--Maxine
STUPIDITY:
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The probability of somebody watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
SUBURBIA:
Suburbia is where they tear down the trees and then name the streets after them.
SUCCESS:
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who's happy for you.
--Bette Midler
90% of the success of life is just showing up. --Woody Allen
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
SWORD:
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
SYNONYM:
A word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
TALK:
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
TASTE:
No one ever lost any money underestimating the taste of the American public.
TAXES:
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
When you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "theirs."
TEMPTATION:
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
I can resist everything except temptation. --Oscar Wilde
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason you can't post "Thou shalt not lie, steal, or commit adultery" in a courthouse full of lawyers, judges, and politicians? It creates a hostile work environment.
TENSE:
I'm not tense - just terribly, terribly alert.
THANKSGIVING:
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
--Jay Leno
This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I stuffed the turkey with Prozac. --Maxine
If my relatives wanted me to be truly thankful, they'd do all the cooking. --Maxine
For the holidays, I bring out all my traditional family recipes - that really keeps the guest list down! -- Maxine
All it takes is one undercooked turkey, and you'll be the "dinner rolls" and "soda" person for life. --Maxine
As far as I'm concerned, any day the relatives visit is "turkey day." --Maxine
THINK:
Ever stop to think and forget to start again? -- Maxine
TIME:
Time's fun when you're having flies. --Kermit the Frog
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
TOOLS:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
TRAIN:
Why did the French train derail? Toulouse-Lautrec
TRAFFIC
I hate those orange traffic barrels. They keep getting stuck under my car. -- Maxine
I love a man in uniform, unless he's in my rearview mirror. -- Maxine
If it wasn't for tailgaters, no one would ever check out my rear end. -- Maxine
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
-- Maxine
TROUBLE:
When you're up-to-your-nose in [excrement], keep your mouth shut.
TRUTH:
If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
VACATION:
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Did you hear about the cracks that have been discovered in the Eiffel Tower? Turns out it's made of Plaster of Paris.
VACUUM:
I'll vacuum when Sears makes one you can ride on. --Roseanne Barr
VAMPIRE:
If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?
VEGETARIANISM:
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why were they made of meat?
Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."
VELCROIX
Velcroix is a rip-off! --Andy Dooley
VIDEO STORE:
Guy with girlfriend to clerk: "Do you have anything where the hero talks about his feelings while blowing things up?"
WASHINGTON, D.C.:
A city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
WEATHER:
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
WIFE:
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
--Vaudeville
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. And then the mud fell off.
--Vaudeville
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. --Vaudeville
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
My wife always gives me sound advice - 99% sound, 1% advice.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
WINE:
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.
WINTER:
You know it's a cold day when your teeth start chattering and they're still on your nightstand. --Maxine
It's not really cold outside until the dog's frozen himself to the hydrant. --Maxine
I don't really want to know what that is frozen to guys' mustaches this time of year.
--Maxine
I don't make snowmen. If I wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains, I'd still be married. --Maxine
My car has heated seats. That is, if the sun beats through the windows just right. --Maxine
WOMEN:
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If a woman has to choose between chatching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there's a man on base. --Dave Barry
WORDS:
Don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
WORK:
I don't mind the rat race but I could do with a little more cheese.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Where I work, I get to name my own salary. I call mine "Fred."
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I had a job doing origami, but it folded.
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. --Steve Wright
I owe, I owe. So it's off to work I go. --bumper sticker
The only person who got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take chances?
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. --Drew Carey
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
When your toilet is stopped up, you don't need a summa cum laude. You need a bubba come nowee. --Kathie Lee Gifford
To make a long story short, there's nothing like having the boss walk in.
A guy shows up late for work. Boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
I used to be a stand-up comedian until the boss caught me sitting down on the job.
--Karen Williams
YOUTH:
We already have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
