Putting the Magic Back in the Magic
by Karen Williams - Oviedo Voice - April 1, 2004
For anyone who has been in a cave in recent months and/or focused on wannabe sports such as golf (ouch--stop throwing those putters at me!), I have an important basketball update: The Orlando Magic aren’t doing well. In fact, the Magic probably yearn for that childhood game where you race a faster-footed friend to the monkey bars and yell, “First one takes last one’s place!”
The Orlando Magic have lost many more games than they’ve won during the 2003-04 season, which is never a good thing, and they’ve consistently secured last place in the Atlantic Division, whole Eastern Conference, entire NBA, and maybe all of Christendom. Let’s put it this way: Jimmy Naismith, the dude who thought up this hoop-shooting game during an “aha!” moment way back in 1891, is probably turning over and over in his grave. He may be dizzy by now.
By happy circumstance, I grew up in Indiana (hello! Hoosier hysteria) and feel thoroughly qualified to offer some timely pointers to the Magic. For the ill-informed, Indiana University was the longtime home of renowned coach and tantrum-meister Bobby Knight. And we bred player extraordinaire Larry Bird, now in the front office of the FIRST PLACE (yes, it really is possible) Indiana Pacers. Indiana also gave the world Garfield the cat, which some say is the REAL mascot of the Orlando Magic, and Michael Jackson, but let’s not dwell on that right now.
Suffice it to be said that I know a thing or two about basketball: (1) There are five players on either side and (2) the umpires wear black-and-white striped shirts.
My first suggestion to the Magic: Fire your coach. (Oops, that’s already been done.)
My second suggestion: Fire your general manager. (Oops, that, too, already happened.)
Third suggestion: Get a new arena. (Oops, scratch that--it’s a sore topic, even more ouchy than Grant Hill’s ankle.)
Fourth suggestion: Get Shaq back. (Not likely to happen, but it makes for a nice rhyme.)
Since I find myself hereby out of suggestions, let’s focus for a moment on the Magic’s new general manager, John Weisbrod. Here’s a man whose background is hockey and who may be inclined to do some jostling if the players continue to under-perform. Weisbrod is no stranger to going all-out. In fact, as an athlete, he has broken more bones than many of us even have in our body. By recent count, (and, as aspiring humor columnist Dave Barry would say, “I am not making this up”), Weisbrod has broken both feet, both ankles, both arms, and all twenty fingers and toes. (And that was on a good day.) He broke his jaw four times. (Hello, liquid diet.) And he broke his nose seven times. (Makes your snozz ache to think about it.)
We can safely say that Weisbrod brings a new level of toughness (and a new level of steel body parts) to the team. The players will soon show fresh intensity, renewed ferocity, and an ability to play like H-E-double hockey sticks.
As for top Magic player Tracy McGrady, he can tell the L.A. recruiters to eat their smoggy little hearts out.
Copyright 2004, Karen Williams
