No Word Is Safe From the Linguist's Tongue
by Karen Williams | April 26, 2007 - Seminole Chronicle
The Washington Post's Style Invitational invited readers to choose a word from the dictionary, then add, subtract or change one letter and supply a new definition. I can't resist this kind of thing, for it diverts me from household drudgery such as cooking, cleaning and replacing the dusty bed sheets at the windows with real drapes.
This contest has been called a Mensa Invitational, which requires me to clarify: yes, I once took a test and was invited to join Mensa. But no, I declined the offer, as it's my policy not to join any organization that would accept me as a member. (Plus, I couldn't figure out where to send my dues payment.)
Meanwhile, I've kept the vacuum cleaner at bay while I've scanned every word in my cranium, trying to think up new ways to mutilate the English language.
Do not try this at home. If you must waste time in this manner, for heaven's sake, do it at work:
Splendad - the way you feel when you're on an artificial-sweetener high
Contemplaytion - trying to figure out what to do this weekend
Polester - a newbie with Gallup who's assigned to Antarctica
Flabulous - how you feel when you accept your body as-it-is
Navigaitor - your guide on a scenic walking tour
Munstrocity - urban sprawl in Muncie, Indiana
Augmintation - to increase your supply of Certs
Addversity - having trouble with even the most basic level of math
Fourlorn - the way you look when you've lost your best friend, and three others have also abandoned you
Vie-tality - the energy and stamina that come from competition
Saunater - to enter a sauna in an easy, unhurried fashion
Hesistation - being unsure if this is your train stop
Pepperfoni - a pizza topping made of artificial ingredients
Gurue - regretting that you chose to follow a certain spiritual leader
Impromptut - a spontaneous visit to an Egyptian exhibit at a museum
Faddict - a person who must compulsively obtain the latest version of the hula hoop or pet rock
Extravaglance - to furtively check out someone's Rolex watch
Phantomb - an extra-scary gravesite
Legala - a party thrown by an attorney after he/she gets your retainer fee
Infidellity - switching from Dell to Hewlett-Packard
Executivo - the CEO's television system
Verifry - to make sure you turned on the burner under a skillet of potatoes
Phenomenot - regular old run-of-the-mill stuff
Floorida - a U.S. state where, at any moment, you could step on a cockroach in the kitchen
Cusstomer - a dissatisfied shopper
Adoorable - your kids' artwork on the front of the fridge
Eggotistical - believing that you're the best waffle in the box
Amazone - a clothing store for large, strong women
Regullation - no feeding the seabirds
Plasmax - reaching your credit limit when buying a big-screen TV
Electronick - getting a paper cut from a computer printout
Volcanon - a camera that can withstand molten lava
Internest - going online to meet a mate and settle down
Fastcination - love at first sight
Mortgauge - a measuring device that reveals you should be living in a small trailer
Sobsolete - mourning the demise of the portable typewriter
Campain - oh, no, not that candidate again
Coptamination - police fingerprints on your jelly donut
Governmend - attempting the impossible
Copyright 2007, Karen Williams
