Questions: From Plastic Surgeons to Buzzard Breath
By Karen Williams | April 11, 2007 - Seminole Chronicle
I've been wondering about a few things:
- Why is it that, for the entire week after we "spring forward" with our clocks, we seem to lose a new hour each day?
- The fine print on a package of mozzarella cheese proclaims: "Allergic warning: contains milk." Would that perhaps go without saying?
- The manufacturer of StriVectin stretch mark and wrinkle remover products has packaged several bottles together and labeled it "Gift Pack." Might you be ticked off by such a gift?
- Olay regenerating skin lotion prints on its packaging: "Children under six months old: consult a doctor." Do children over six months old need to start worrying about wrinkles? Are precocious kids getting the acne stage over while still in utero?
- It's said that those who don't learn the lessons of history are condemned to repeat it. Was that saying inspired by someone who flunked World Civilizations 101?
- Is it possible to persuade New Yorkers/New Jerseyites to correct their pronunciation of "Florida?" Isn't it better to be in a state that sounds more like "floor" than "flaw?"
- Is there any way that the official dancers for NBA basketball games might adopt a more wholesome, girl-next-door image instead of choosing costumes and dances that would make even Madonna blush? And have I stupidly contributed to future male attendance at games by virtue of this question?
- Why do people become so antsy and frustrated in doctors' waiting rooms? Don't they know that they must assume the role of "patient?"
- Why do people groan in response to my puns?
- If 50 is the new 40, and 40 is the new 30, does it follow that I'm considerably younger than I used to be?
- If you're always trying to stop complaining that rosebushes have thorns and start rejoicing that thorn bushes have roses, should you just plant petunias and be done with it?
- If you cut up your credit cards, does it make you a "plastic surgeon?"
- Philosopher Henry David Thoreau advised, "Simplify, simplify." Why didn't he just say, "Simplify"?
- Did I really see Elvis making crop circles, as my new bumper sticker declares?
- Should an upstart teenage daughter, who does not make my car payment or pay my Gecko insurance, be allowed to tell me to stop putting "stupid" bumper stickers on the same car I hardly ever get to drive?
- If I buy just one more learn-a-language-in-no-time-flat computer program, will I finally discipline myself to use it?
- See above regarding exercise equipment, yoga videos and gym memberships.
- Are the stars at night big and bright when we're (four claps) "Deep in the Heart of TAXES," and has anyone ever posed this question to the IRS on their hotline?
- Is there anyone this side of the international date line, besides me, who hasn't installed granite countertops, wooden floors, and a TV the size of Manhattan in their home?
- Is "going green" still environmentally friendly when you're merely riddled with envy?
- What happened to the days when TV reruns were confined to the summer?
- Why is the best-tasting food worst for you and the worst tasting food best for you? (Yes, you heard me right, cauliflower.)
- New, programmable bathroom scales show not only your weight but also your bone mass, body fat and hydration level. What's next - they calculate your degree of morning mouth/buzzard breath? What ever happened to "ignorance is bliss"?
Copyright 2007, Karen Williams
