Time to Paint: Let's Roll!
by Karen Williams | September 30, 2005
Seminole Chronicle
When my feller, Mark, and I bought our house, I said, "Let's paint the interior ourselves!"
Mark complied, eager to save money, since we learned our gargantuan mortgage payments are due monthly, not yearly, as we'd presumed.
As a public service, I hereby delineate the painting process. Please read and heed.
1. Go to a store that sells wall paint. Feel overwhelmed by the zillions of color samples. Choose pastel samples based on their delicious-sounding names: mystic cherry, winter mint, icy melon and sunny mango.
2. Stop for an extra-large smoothie on the way home.
3. Invite friends over to give feedback as you hold the samples up to the walls. Learn that pastels are out; darks are in. Head back to the paint store.
4. Feel overwhelmed by the zillions of color samples. Choose dark color samples with the names of cinnamon toast, charred marshmallow, and bronzed yam.
5. Stop at a restaurant for a hearty meal.
6. Get friends' approval of the revised colors.
7. Get paint supplies: stirrers, rollers, pans, buckets, brushes, tarps and cleaning rags.
8. Drag supplies in front door. Use rags and sudsy water and begin to wash grime off the walls. Feel frustrated and proceed to the next step.
9. Pry open a can of paint and stir until you have the beginnings of carpel tunnel syndrome, wonder how science can explore the edge of the universe but not invent stir-free paint.
10. Pour paint into a bucket. Dip in a long-handled roller and apply paint to a wall. Slop paint on carpet. Feel horrified, remembering you forgot to put down the tarp.
11. Frantically try to clean up the paint, using half your rag supply. Put down a tarp.
12. Feel frazzled and take a nap on the couch, dreaming that walls can sprout arms and paint themselves. Wonder if this was how Picasso got started.
13. Wake up to reality. Notice your roller has popped out of the bucket, dripping paint everywhere. Use the rest of your rag supply trying to clean it up.
14. Apply paint to a wall. Remember that you forgot to stir the paint this time. Stir.
15. Proceed until you reach a window with a mini-blind. Try to remove said blind. Give up after mangling the blind-brackets with a screwdriver. Decide to paint the mini-blind to match the walls.
16. In a moment of weakness, phone an acquaintance who's a painter and ask for a cost estimate. Confirm that it's still way beyond your budget.
17. Answer the doorbell to find relatives who came to chart your progress. Hand them brushes and rollers and ask them to go for it.
18. Excuse yourself to tackle a project you've been putting off but that now seems fun - cleaning out the spooky attic or interacting with fire ants.
19. Check on relatives. Either they have the job half-done or they're proving they truly are your relatives by also having the gene for I'm-not-coordinated-enough-to-paint. Either way, you'll have a warm, fuzzy feeling.
20. Wonder if it's just the fumes.
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Copyright 2005, Karen Williams
