Love at First Byte?
by Karen Williams | October 28, 2005 - Seminole Chronicle
Single people are turning - in hordes - to Internet dating, hoping to find Mr. or Ms. Right.
This is an efficient way to connect with other singles in the comfort of home while wearing jammies and gorging on Doritos.
For a nominal fee, a person can sign up and post a personal "profile" and photo on one of the Internet dating sites. The participant can also view others' profiles and e-mail those who appear promising. Countless marriages have occurred as a result, and babies are, every day, being named in honor of how their parents met: "Profila," "Emailia," and (less popular) "Mouse."
Connecting via the Internet is a simple process and yet, like conventional dating, things can go horribly wrong at every turn. Here are pointers for a cyber-success:
- Don't post someone else's photo and try to pass it off as you, especially if it's a well-known star. If you must fudge a bit, use a photo of yourself from a few decades ago, but brownish film and a stern, pained expression could be going too far back.
- When e-mailing a new prospect, don't come across as desperate. "Hi. My name is Chadwick and I haven't had a date since Hoover took office." If you're a little out-of-the loop, phrase it in a positive way: "Hi. I'm Lindsey, and I keep so busy with my yacht and Porsche that I've let my people-skills slide."
- Don't lie. If, for instance, you don't really own a yacht or Porsche, go out and buy toy ones so that, technically, you're not lying.
- Don't mention past failures. Whether it was a relationship-gone-sour, career-gone-bust, or some colossal boo-boo, mum's the word. Portray yourself as a winner, and you'll attract that same sort of person, or at least someone who, like you, has sense enough to keep skeletons crammed in the closet.
- Don't come on too strong too fast. Perhaps someone has sent you one flirty e-mail. This doesn't mean it's time for you two to pick out furniture. Stay cool and slightly aloof. No romantic verse or cutesy names yet.
- Don't rattle on about your own life without inquiring of your correspondents about theirs. But keep a notebook containing each prospect's information so that you don't become mixed-up and ask an environmentalist about his job at the chemical factory or a vegetarian about her work at the slaughterhouse.
- Prepare to meet. The day will arrive when you'll connect with one of your prospects in person. Suggest a restaurant or coffee shop with a patio surrounded by bushes where a trusted friend can lie in wait, ready to rescue you if things go haywire. Or the friend can take secret video footage of the happy event if you and your date hit it off, and he/she even picks up the tab.
- Persevere. If the first few prospects "just want to be friends," don't despair. Rome wasn't built in a day, and romance can take even longer (and leave even more ruins). Keep surfing those profiles.
In due time, you'll no longer be sitting at home in your jammies, gorging on Doritos. You'll be sitting at home in your jammies, changing diapers, burping little Emailia, and thanking your lucky stars for the day you bought that Dell.
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Copyright 2005, Karen Williams
