Dating for Dummies
by Karen Williams | August 03, 2006 - Seminole Chronicle
My friend Bonnie is fed up and she's not going to take it anymore. Well, not for too much longer, anyway. She's tired of dating single middle-aged men who are clueless.
Many of the guys with whom Bonnie goes out are successful and personable. Some of them have big bucks, which is always a good thing - unless it means deer heads staring at you from the wall.
But almost all of them need coaching on the externals that can send a woman sprinting for the exit on a first date.
It's a dirty shame, too. For these hapless fellows, like others of their gender, need a woman who will converse with them, cuddle with them and finish their sentences.
Bonnie says the first major dating no-no is bad breath. Of course, as I reminded her, halitosis is better than no breath at all, but she seems unconvinced. She wants her dates to assume the worst: no matter how much you've brushed, flossed, or gargled with Clorox bleach, you're at risk for morning mouth, even though it's afternoon or evening.
This is where man's best friend is chewing gum. Have some Wrigley's stuck discreetly to your tonsils come Hades or high water.
It's not there to be chewed or snapped (bad idea) but to give you minty-fresh breath.
Bonnie's second complaint involves hair. Every Sunday, like clockwork, she laments that her Saturday night date desperately needed an update in this department.
Alas, many men still go for the Beatles or Herman-and-the-Hermits look, but what worked in the '60s doesn't necessarily work when you're pushing 60.
Bonnie begs fellows to go to a contemporary salon and get their hair styled. Absolutely no bowl cuts by well-intentioned relatives.
Eyeglasses are another area where it's important to stay current with trends, or at least wear glasses that were in style so long ago that they're back in fashion.
If John Lennon type specs are "in," lose the big, plastic goggles. If bright-colored plastic is "in," ditch those frames that would set off a metal detector.
Another pitfall is clothes. Countless times, I've heard Bonnie moan, "He so needed to update his wardrobe!"
It doesn't matter if a shirt came from Ralph Lauren's personal closet - if it's older than your first car, get rid of it. Pants and shirts bought recently - even from the drug store or the dollar store - would be better choices.
And guys should make sure that their clothes fit well. Bonnie recently dated a fellow who had lost weight and was swimming in his shirt. And his too-large pants were puckered and bunched-up, held on by a brave little belt.
Another man whom Bonnie dated had clearly outgrown his attire, and when he bent down to tie his shoe as they entered a restaurant, she was tempted to grab a tablecloth to cover his backside.
Shoes? An otherwise nice outfit is ruined if a guy wears grungy sneakers that aren't decent even for cleaning the garage or working on the sewer system.
Bonnie's final complaint is behavioral. Don't talk about your ex-wives and how much they took you for. Don't talk about your work stress. Don't talk about your gall bladder or your pacemaker or your outbreak of psoriasis.
In fact, don't talk at all - just look good and listen.
And don't forget the flowers.
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Copyright 2006, Karen Williams
