Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Questions All the Way
by Karen Williams - Seminole Chronicle - December 21, 2006
For some folks, Christmas is a merely a time for festivity. But for us philosophical types, the holidays bring up deep, universal questions to ponder:
Who named Santa’s reindeer, and could someone else have done a better job?
Where were the oak and maple representatives when evergreens were first chosen as official Christmas trees?
Did the tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace originate when some kids from the suburbs got wet feet in December slush?
When placing outdoor lighting, should a person attempt to be artistic, try to outdo the neighbors, or strive to be seen from Mars?
When the New England Puritans (different from the Patriots) tried to do away with Christmas revelry and gift giving in the 1700s, was it because they had maxed-out their cards?
When receiving a “recycled” gift that you actually gave to the giver on a previous Christmas, should you pretend to be delighted or reveal your dismay at getting something so chintzy?
Did they name the “bowl games” after the big bowl of snacks a person eats while watching them?
Why did the old-time tradition of placing lit candles on a Christmas tree die out?
Should girl elves be called “jingle belles?”
How does Santa defy gravity and get back up the chimney?
Due to his belly fat and obsession with cookies, is Santa at high risk for diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and poor posture? And is he trying to cover up deep psychological issues with that redundant laugh?
Who is the worst holiday ogre of all time – the Grinch, Ebenezer Scrooge, or the credit card company that seems to think you’re over your limit?
When they called Santa Claus “St. Nick,” was it back in the days when he actually shaved?
Does Mrs. Claus get tired of the reindeer dung, the workaholic elves, and lack of after-Christmas sales in her area? If she lets off steam at Santa, does it contribute to melting the polar icecap?
If a person falls from the roof while placing Christmas lights, what are the chances he/she will land softly on the giant, blow-up snowman decoration, and what are the chances he/she will land on the neighbors’ picket fence?
Will aluminum foil “icicle” decorations ever make a big comeback? And if so, will our mothers still prevent us from throwing them willy-nilly on the Christmas tree?
Would it be asking too much to have eggnog year-round? Or would it make us too round?
Does the fruitcake industry ever get sick and tired of that “nutty as a fruitcake” saying?
Why is mistletoe, a parasitic plant with toxic berries, the official symbol for Christmas kissing? Is there a hidden meaning?
Do you pronounce “poinsettia” as “poinsett-ee-uh” or “poinsett-uh” or do you just call it “that red Christmas flower that grows in churches”?
Was the term “Christmas carol” named after some woman called Carol who sang holiday songs with intense fervor?
Do the Sierra Club and other nature-loving groups jump for joy when they see Christmas bargain shoppers camping out all night in front of a store?
What was Frosty the Snowman smoking in that corncob pipe?
If Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had simply called himself “Rudy,” would things have gone better for him from the git-go?
Copyright 2006, Karen Williams
